I was diagnosed Bi Polar in 1999. Up to that point, it was anybody’s guess what was wrong with me. Quite frankly, over the years, I just thought I was losing my mind! “IT” probably started about the same time that puberty did – when I was 11. I knew that I wasn’t the same as everyone else – that my feelings weren’t the same. What was the earliest sign? I couldn’t seem to process all the feelings that seemed to surround me 24/7. Not just the normal, teenage stuff. I’m talking suicidal thoughts. Some serious – some not so much.
I had so much pain on the inside that I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. So, I counteracted that inside pain with outside pain. Kids that feel that kind of pain today are probably “cutters”. But there weren’t any cutters that I was aware of in the 70s and 80s. (I’m sure there were, I just didn’t know them.) Instead, I was a “hitter.” I hit myself with nail polish bottles, my fists, pretty much anything that would get the job done. Real pain makes you forget mental pain. When my parents saw the bruises they thought I got them through normal adolescent rough housing.
Anyway, that’s when it started and it’s never ended. It’s definitely calmed over the years with medication – but it is now and will always be there. Of course, the peek was in 1999 – That’s why I was diagnosed then and not before.
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