On December 31, 1999 at 12:59pm, when nearly everyone in the world was terrified that their computers were going to crash, their money was going to be unavailable and the world as we know it was going to shut down – I was sitting on my ex-mother in law’s porch, staring at the stars… searching for SOMETHING. At the stroke of midnight, I wondered, “Is this it?”
I’ve written before that 1999 was the year that I was diagnosed Bi Polar. 1999 was the year I seriously contemplated suicide. 1999 was the year I wanted things to change! And yet, as I sat on that porch – looking at the magnificent world God created – I wondered, “Is this it?” Why? As I’ve stated in previous posts, I couldn’t let go of the guilt I held inside. The guilt I had because of things I had done when I was MANIC. The guilt I had because of things I had done when I was DEPRESSED. For once, I was taking medication that had me on an even keel and the guilt was eating me up.
I knew that God’s grace covered me but I couldn’t forgive myself! I was baptized as a teen. My mom, my sister and I all were baptized together. (Now, I’m not going to get into a debate here about the religious views on baptism or about how it should be done or if one time covers you for life – I’m just telling MY story….) I knew I was forgiven in God’s eyes – but not in my eyes. So, the very next Sunday, I asked my pastor to re-baptize me. That act was a symbol to cleanse myself, now that I was on the road to recovery, for God AND me. It was a powerful step in my recovery.
Anyway, the year 2000 came and went. The world didn’t end. In fact, my life kinda began again. Thanks be to God.
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