What I learned from Charles Schulz

Charles Schulz was a brilliant man. He had this one Peanuts cartoon that I just loved. One of the characters – Sally I believe – was sitting at a desk with two stacks of paper in front of her. One of the stacks was a lot taller than the other. Another character walks up to her and wants to know about the papers. She tells them the stacks are full of things she has learned in life. They inquire as to why one is so much bigger than the other. She simply responds, “The larger one is the stuff I learned the hard way!”
I wonder if we all tallied up our stacks what they would look like. I know my “learned the hard way” stack would probably need steel brackets to hold it up. What would be included in that stack?
1. Don’t get married when you’re cycling – it will not last
2. Don’t turn your back on your family when you’re cycling – they can be your life support
3. Don’t quit taking your bi polar medication just because you feel “normal” – It’s what’s keeping you normal
4. Don’t quit going to therapy/counseling when the topics you’re discussing hit too close to home – if it hits too close to home it’s probably what you need to be talking about
5. Being honest with yourself is mandatory – only you can change what you don’t like about your life and surroundings
6. Saying NO to others isn’t easy but often times it’s necessary – you must make time for yourself to stay healthy
7. You must be 100% honest with your family & friends about your condition if you expect them to understand YOUR limitations – they cannot give you what you need if you don’t tell them what it is
8. God doesn’t keep a scorecard – GRACE is offered to everyone because Jesus died on the cross for our sins … Acts 10:43 “All the prophets testify about Him that everyone who believes in Him receives forgiveness of sins through His name."
9. Passion doesn’t last forever but true love is a beautiful thing!
10. Friends come and go but FAMILY is forever – my sister and I have always been there for each other…. ALWAYS!

Really, when I think about it, it’s the things I’ve learned the hard way that have made me who I am today!

(Sally character is property of Charles Schulz.)

The Myth of Sisyphus

The Myth of Sisyphus is a philosophical essay by Albert Camus. It comprises about 120 pages and was published originally in 1942 in French as Le Mythe de Sisyphe; the English translation by Justin O'Brien followed in 1955. In the essay, Camus introduces his philosophy of the absurd: man's futile search for meaning, unity and clarity in the face of an unintelligible world devoid of God and eternal truths or values. The essay is dedicated to Pascal Pia and is organized in four chapters and one appendix.
In the last chapter, Camus outlines the legend of Sisyphus who defied the gods and put Death in chains so that no human needed to die. When Death was eventually liberated and it came time for Sisyphus himself to die, he concocted a deceit which let him escape from the underworld. Finally captured, the gods decided on his punishment: for all eternity, he would have to push a rock up a mountain; on the top, the rock rolls down again and Sisyphus has to start over. Camus sees Sisyphus as the absurd hero who lives life to the fullest, hates death and is condemned to a meaningless task.
I think a lot of people with mental illness are like this... we trap ourselves into our own hell by forcing ourselves to push a rock up a mountain day after day only to have it roll back down again and again and then we are forced to start over. Until we find our purpose in life, we choose to live like Sisyphus. Until we admit we have a problem and decide to make a change – like seek professional help through a therapist, psychiatrist or pastor – the end result will stay the same.

*The Myth of Sisyphus - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Photo - planetpooks.wordpress.com

Refine Me

I’ve always loved this song by Jennifer Knapp called Refine Me. It speaks to my soul. It’s like the years that I let my disease run my life are described in the lyrics and I’m asking God to REFINE ME – to FORGIVE me. The beautiful thing is I know that He has and does forgive us! It’s hard to live with things that you do when you are out of control of yourself, like I’ve said in previous posts. But we can be REFINED!
I come into this place, burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains, for wars I fought for my own selfish gains
Your my God and my Father, I've accepted your Son
But my soul feels so empty now, what have I become?
Lord...
Come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Refine me
My heart can't see, when I only look at me
My soul can't hear, when I only think of my own fears.
And they are gone in a moment, your forever the same
Why did I look away from you, how can I speak your name?
Lord...
Come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Come rescue this child, cause I long to be reconciled to you...
It's all I can do, to give my heart and soul to you
and pray..... and pray..... and I will pray...
Lord...
Come with your fire, burn my desires
Refine me
Lord...
My will has deceived me, please come and free me
Refine me
Refine me... Refine me...
Refine me............

A Participant in My Recovery

Maybe It’s a good time to talk a little bit about my husband (aka former boss). For 10 years, this man saw me through my high times, my low times, my “completely out of my mind times” and was always there – in his office – willing to listen to my rambling, crying, confusing confessions and fears. He was the one friend in my life that I knew I could tell ANYTHING to and he wouldn’t judge me or ridicule me. I totally felt he had my back throughout those years.
In 1999, when I was at the lowest, weakest point in my life, HE called my sister and the two of them made sure I got to the doctor. He made sure I got the time I needed off work to focus on my recovery.
In 2002, when both of our marriages had ended, that friendship developed into something more. Because of the relationship I have with my husband, a relationship that started with friendship and grew into love – a relationship that I can be completely honest with about my disease – I feel I have made more progress with this illness in the last 8 years than I have in my entire life. I have also surrounded myself with friends that accept my disease – that accept when I’m “cycling” and I don’t want to be with people. I talk to my family now instead of thinking of them as “the enemy.” AND I have decided to forgive my father (now deceased) for his past transgressions. In other words, I have decided to be a participant in my recovery!
Most importantly – I have accepted that God has a plan for me. I went to church throughout childhood and most of my teen years. I had my lapse as some people do when they are young adults. But when I was 24, I began attending church very regularly and very seriously. I needed to be forgiven for things I did during those “LAPSED YEARS”. I really didn’t wanna accept that Jesus died to forgive me because I didn’t wanna forgive me. If you are Bi Polar you know that the disease can lead you to do a lot of things you wouldn’t normally do if you were medicated. (I’m sure I’ll share some of those things at another time.) Anyway, after I became medicated, I realized (over time) I was worthy of forgiveness and I need to work that plan that God has for me. I think this Blog is part of that plan. Even if it only touches one person….

On a Charter for a different life….

In 1999, I admitted myself into Charter Hospital. Now, Charter Hospital was a hospital for drug abusers and alcoholics with this really small wing – just two rooms really – for bulimics, anorexics and chronic over eaters. My diagnosis - bulimia. At that time, I had been bulimic for over 5 years and I could have continued on for many more years but my secret was slowing getting out and I was on the verge of truly killing myself. My marriage was basically just a friendship (no passion and honestly no real love) – my job was completely overwhelming me and I was in the deepest, biggest, longest roller coaster of “cycling” I had ever had in my life. Of course, I had no idea what “cycling” even was if I didn’t do it on a bicycle. Thank God, Charter did.
So, anyway, I had been at the doctor’s office confessing my urge to “end it all” (but I had a 12 year old son at home that needed me and I didn’t want to let him down) and they convinced me to call my dad and have him take me to Charter because that was the only place that had an opening at the time for suicidal bulimics - LOL. (I know it's not really funny.)
Some things need to be address right here: #1 – For some reason, I felt more comfortable in my disease at that moment calling my abusive father to take me to the hospital than anyone else in the world (I think I was just too embarrassed to face anyone else) – including my husband AND #2 my boss at the time (who is now my husband) was very much a part of my reaching out for help in the first place. He still is a huge part of my stability!
Now, back to our story…. You may wonder how I ended up bulimic. It was simply a transition from the “self-harm” stage of my teenage years. You see, when your life is out or control you need so desperately to have just one thing you can control. I found that I could control what I ate and ultimately decided to keep in my body. The great thing about bulimia was I still got to hurt myself in the process. It’s no day at the park making yourself throw up but it was one of the hardest things in the world to quit doing. (I'm sure one day I'll "blog" about that, too.)
At Charter, by the Grace of God, I was hooked up with a Dr that asked the right questions and really listened to my answers – and for the first time in my life I answered the questions honestly. He thought I just might be Manic Depressive. Heck, I was willing to go with whatever he wanted to try to make me better and we started with trying different medications….

When it started….

I was diagnosed Bi Polar in 1999. Up to that point, it was anybody’s guess what was wrong with me. Quite frankly, over the years, I just thought I was losing my mind! “IT” probably started about the same time that puberty did – when I was 11. I knew that I wasn’t the same as everyone else – that my feelings weren’t the same. What was the earliest sign? I couldn’t seem to process all the feelings that seemed to surround me 24/7. Not just the normal, teenage stuff. I’m talking suicidal thoughts. Some serious – some not so much.
I had so much pain on the inside that I couldn’t understand what was going on with me. So, I counteracted that inside pain with outside pain. Kids that feel that kind of pain today are probably “cutters”. But there weren’t any cutters that I was aware of in the 70s and 80s. (I’m sure there were, I just didn’t know them.) Instead, I was a “hitter.” I hit myself with nail polish bottles, my fists, pretty much anything that would get the job done. Real pain makes you forget mental pain. When my parents saw the bruises they thought I got them through normal adolescent rough housing.
Anyway, that’s when it started and it’s never ended. It’s definitely calmed over the years with medication – but it is now and will always be there. Of course, the peek was in 1999 – That’s why I was diagnosed then and not before.

Be Careful Little Mouth What You Say

“Man, I don’t like working with that dude. He’s Bi-Polar or something.” – That’s what the cashier was telling his buddy, the bagger, while I was standing there watching my total on the register go higher and higher – despite the fact I was using my Kroger discount card. I just kept looking at the register and started thinking to myself – let it go or say something? Well, after 10 years of letting it go, I said something. As my order came to an end and the bagger walked away, I looked this little 12 year old boy – okay maybe he was 16 or 17 – in the eye and I said, “You know, I’m Bi-Polar. You might wanna be careful what you say in front of customers.” He totally didn’t get my point because he came back with some line about how it seems everybody has “IT” now a-days and this dude he works with must not be taking meds or something.
Anyway, the way I feel about – if you don’t know anything about – okay, I’ll say it “Mental Illness” – keep your comments to yourself. If you don’t know what it’s like to wake up in the morning with your heart completely aware that God has given you a wonderful family and the best friends in world but your head telling you that it’s gonna take every ounce of control that you have to get out of bed, put a smile on, and actually face those people – you have no idea what it’s like to live with Depression. AND, if you’ve never been so Manic that you’ve felt like a Pressure Cooker that’s gonna blow all over the four walls of your mind – you have no idea what WE go through. Even some of my friends are flippant about the subject and they know about my struggle. So, please be mindful of what you say.
Medication can help to control Bi-Polar. There is no medication for ignorance – only education.